why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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