Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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