He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
