She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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