If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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