hotel room ftw
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Ladies don't puke and tell
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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