I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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