got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
