I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
