Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
