Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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