Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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