Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
