I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
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