last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
