There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
