I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
