for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
