My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
