cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
