The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
