My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
