i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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