dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
