I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
