I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
