My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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