tell your sister to shave her snatch
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
