That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
