So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
