His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
