Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
