Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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