mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
