I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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