Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
