Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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