btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
