Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
