this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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