if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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