my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
