hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
The best revenge is premature balding
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
