i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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