that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I think pants incapable of making pants work
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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