1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
