Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
