You just made me feel so damn special
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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