I wish I only lived at night.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
