I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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