tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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