Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
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