my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
