We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
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I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
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I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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