I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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