Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
