Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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