i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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