cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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