if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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