Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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